Five Things I Have Learned in Five Years of Marriage
I will never forget the first time I saw Keoni. It was September 23, 2003 around 8pm. As someone who had experienced migraines, I was going to the Bastyr Center for Natural Health training clinic for some acupuncture to see if that would help with head pain. Keoni was my clinician. Something happened to me when I first saw him. I knew. He called my name and started leading me back to the treatment room. ?I have a boyfriend,? I said stupidly. Keoni looked at me and smiled and said something charming and professional and brought me into the treatment room. Did he know too?
We got married September 21, 2009 and the rest, as they say, is history. Keoni is one of the greatest teachers of my life, by who he is in the world, the things he brings up for me and by his very presence.
There are a bazillion blogs out there on love and relationships and marriage, one for every flavor, style and viewpoint, and one night as I sat reflecting I couldn?t help but notice a few themes that came up for me when I asked the question, ?what has being with Keoni taught me?? With that question, I cast my marriage blog into the ring:
1.The importance of listening without defense, and speaking without attack: One of my favorite relationship bloggers is Mark Manson. I find him incredibly insightful and realistic. He eloquently posed the question in one of his blogs, ?can you listen without defense? Can you speak your truth without attacking?? When we are hearing something that we may not want to hear or agree with from our partner or the people who are closest to us, the hackles go up. Can you feel them bristling? Before they have finished their sentence, you?ve got your rebuttal at the ready for why they are wrong AND some extra ammunition about all of the little injustices they?ve created for you, so you can show them how infinitely more fucked up they are than you. When you are finally ready to speak your piece, you spit your words out like poison-tipped barbs. Is it possible instead, for us to simply hear what is being said? As the need to defend rises, can we just sit and keep listening? Chances are, if we are getting mighty defensive about a point, it?s hitting us close to home. Whether we want to examine it or not, that?s really our problem, isn?t it? I have found that at I sit and listen to Keoni as he speaks to me, without really attaching what it may or may not mean for me, the need to defend simply slides away. This makes our interaction a lot smoother.
When we have something that we want to say (example: please put the cocoa away after you?ve used it) can we simply state it instead of using it as a battering ram? Or turning it into something that it?s really not? (when you don?t put the cocoa away, you are not taking my needs into consideration, and you are therefore an inconsiderate human being and don?t take our relationship seriously). This may sound comical all written out, but it happens all the time in relationships, either inside our heads or on the floor. The needs of the human ego are primarily two fold: one, to seek constant reassurance – whether from the stories in our heads, our friends, family, etc – that our perspective is correct, that ?we are right? and two, to defend against other egos and personalities who are ?wrong? from our perspective. These two egoic needs are the root of much human discord, and are the result of our own feelings of inadequacy, shame, guilt, fear and so forth. They are what create the need to defend against complaints or statements that we don?t particularly like, and they are what loads the figurative gun as we get ready to fire our complaints and injustices back at our partners.
2. Kind, clear communication wins: Envision a crystal ball. There it is, as clear as water. Maybe it is resting on some sumptuous purple velvet. When you gaze into it, you are gazing into the mind of your loved one. It becomes evident exactly what they are thinking and what they would like from you and what they would like to do for you. It twinkles as all of their motives and desires are laid bare before you. You understand.
Do you have one of these? Neither does your partner.
I?ve often said the crystal ball of relationships is the simple truth. And what is the simple truth? When you have a desire, state it. When things don?t feel right, pipe up. When you have a question, ask it and trust the answer you get. All else is projection, mental aerobics and trying to read minds that cannot be read.
Many have a lot of guilt about being clear. They think it is somehow selfish or inconsiderate. There can be fear too, because sometimes being clear means showing your vulnerability. I then pose the questions, is it more selfish to be direct or to build up resentment at your clueless partner because they are not fulfilling some unstated expectation? Is it scarier to completely miss out on an aspect of your relationship because you cannot say what you mean, or to have a conversation about it?
Speaking your truth or asking your questions kindly is the next layer, and dovetails in from our very first bullet point. But let me clarify. Kindness is not simply using a saccharin tone. It?s not about not raising your voice or getting heated. It?s not about rolling over and being a doormat. Kindness is not condescending and kindness is not a coward. Kindness is showing respect for the human being you are directing your story towards. Without kindness, it is difficult to hear what anyone is saying. The message gets lost in translation. Without kindness, the message becomes, ?YOU are a problem? rather than, ?I have a problem with this or that?
3. Friendship: I think friendship is the mortar of any romantic relationship. The ability to share activities you enjoy, conversation, quiet times and so forth cultivates the mutual respect, consideration, trust and ability to effectively communicate that living in close quarters with someone will necessitate if you want to enjoy yourself. Friendship guards against the destructive forces that can so easily manifest in a relationship – resentment, blame, indifference, hostility, apathy. Friendship protects the relationship through the inevitable tough times, strains and storms that will come. Friendship is the daily meditation of love.
4. Find your bottom line: I?m a big picture, bottom line kind of girl, which is part of why I am not good at remembering the small things like paying the electric bill. But, I always know what my bottom line is. With Keoni, my bottom line is this: ?I love him; I want to be with him?. That?s it. At this point in time, there?s not lot of trappings on it, like ?…but only if he does x, y, z and never does this?. I don?t put a whole lot of conditions on it. I take him and the relationship for who and what they are. It?s been my experience that the reverse of this feels a lot like miserable insanity to me. The conditions, rules and expectations are exhausting and draining. I?ve been there and done that. It never ends. Now, if Keoni were to do something that I did not like or was not OK with, it would go something like this: ?I noticed you are (insert offense here) and I am not OK with it and I want you to (insert request here)?. I have spoken my truth. Then, I see what he does. If he continues the offense that I am not OK with, it is up to ME to define and redefine my bottom line. Does this change my bottom line? It may or it may not. This gives ME the responsibility for my own lines in the sand, my own big picture. If there is not room for this in my big picture, it is MY responsibility to take action by leaving the relationship or accepting it completely, rather than me trying to impose my own set of standards and rules upon him, which have nothing to do with him and are really about my own values and insecurities. It?s a simple as that. I refuse to dictate to another human being, which brings me to…
5. I don?t want to be a dictator: Some years ago, I began to notice in myself and others how the art of listening was slipping away. I?m talking about *actually* listening to someone when they speak, rather than waiting for them to stop talking so you can tell them your opinion, zoning out while they are speaking because you are thinking about yourself, something you want to say, or something else entirely, finishing their sentences for them, projecting what they are going to say next or the worst (that we?ve all done, so you?re not alone) – interrupting them. All of this is a form of control. It?s manipulation. I have learned to pay attention whenever I feel the need to manipulate a situation, conversation or when I want to run Keoni?s feelings for him. Why on Earth would I want to control and manipulate the person in the world I love? My desire to control implies that I do not trust Keoni to have and handle his own opinions and feelings, which is insane and disrespectful. I do not want to treat him in this way. It?s manipulative, sometimes disguised with the cloak of keeping the others best interests at heart. Any time you are controlling, manipulating or in any way being a dictator to another human being, you do not have their best interests at heart. You have your own. Keoni has helped me see that there is the level of intellectually understanding this and agreeing with it on principle while still trying to manipulate, and actually interrupting the dictatorship as I feel it rise within me. I thank him for that.
