If I Die Today, Here are 35 Things I Learned
Today I turn 35. It seems like a big year for some reason. When I was in my very early twenties, my Uncle Frank and I were having dinner at the Hacienda in Somerville, MA.
We were chatting about education, college, my career path and what was coming up for me. ?I dunno,? I said, ?I think when I?m 35 I?ll be able to retire. It?s going to be a pivotal year for me?
While now I understand that I won?t really ?retire? until my last breath, 35 has remained a special year for me in my mind. And here I am.
I wanted to write something about it. My sister-in-law, Jill Coleman of JillFit Physiques, has been writing yearly birthday posts for the last several years talking about her favorite, most juicy lessons and insights she has had over the year.
Taking a page from her book, I wanted to blog in a similar vein, breaking the digestive ranks and getting a little deeper, into the most important things I?ve learned in my life. As I write this, I?m at a conference in Phoenix. And by conference, I mean to say I am not going to lectures and laying by the pool instead. Thinking and being.
It popped in my head – ?What if I died on my birthday? What would I want others to know? What things have been the most helpful to me in my life? If I could only write down 35 things, what would they be??
Some may think it?s morbid to consider death like this. It?s definitely not. Here?s the thing – we all die, we are all going to die, everyone we have ever loved or despised or wanted or admired is going to die. Instead of this making me feel downtrodden, it sharpens the desire to live the moment I?ve got now – because honestly, who knows? Death could come at any time. If you think about it, someone has died doing the very thing I am doing now – the very thing YOU are doing now, and anything you could ever think of – the mundane or interesting? Someone has died in the process of it. So we never know, and that actually makes life very, very sweet. Death is the great equalizer. It will come for us all, and all of our friends and family too.
Because this show we call life isn’t infinite or assured, for me, I want to enjoy each moment of it in peace. I have learned that the only place peace and love can ever emanate from is this moment only, this single drop of now. The following thirty five points are sign posts that have shown me the door to this state. It?s a full time job, catching myself on my own bullshit, and I?ve had a lot of help along the way. It’s a door I peek into and shut sometimes. Then we open it again. It’s a process, continuing anew, constantly being renewed.
Every single moment, place, decision, procrastination, tear, argument, laugh, human being, animal, place and situation we have ever made, experienced or had has made us arrive at this single moment in time. It could be no other way.
So, without further blathering on my me, I present my list. They are in no particular order. I notice I don?t offer loads of explanations with all of these sentences. I like to just sit in them and Notice what comes up for me.
1.Underestimation of yourself is just as devastating as overestimation of yourself.
2. Defending your right to suffer is an act of insanity.
3. Each moment arises anew and offers a new chance for peace, a new way to be, a new choice to make.
4. Things are just about as complicated as we make them
5. Sometimes you just have to fucking get over yourself.
6. Always, always be kind.
7. Even though we live in a subjective world, we live in a subjective world. Don?t look outside to define yourself. You won?t find what you think may be there.
8. The fastest way to misery is to seek validation, love and approval from others.
9. That little inner voice – the one you hear when you are very quiet, very still – is never wrong.
10. Control is ultimately an illusion.
11. And trust is the opposite of control.
12. The rigid break before the flexible.
13. Being negative is a choice. You may not be able to choose the events that led you to be negative but you do choose the negative state. Likewise, being a happy is also a choice.
14. Denial of emotions – particularly difficult ones – will ensure that you continually experience them.
15. Being authentic in who you are can draw out authenticity in others, much like a single lit match can light an infinite amount of other matches, without diminishing the original flame.
16. The thing you?ve been waiting for to make you happy? It won?t be enough. Why not skip it and be happy now?
17. As we are in this moment is how we will be in future moments, as our lives are only experienced now, in the now, like a string of pearls.Thinking that something is coming in the future for your ultimate happiness is another form of denial and insanity and keeps you from experiencing and living your life now.
18. True listeners are rare types. Find them and love them and take their lesson – listen to your wisdom.
19. You do not have to be a slave to your mind. Your mind is YOUR tool.
20. It takes far more strength and courage to be vulnerable than the reverse.
21. Never stop learning. Ever.
22. The only thing to fear is fear.
23. Accepting things as they are is not the same as being a doormat and is not mutually exclusive with action or change.
24. When you mean yes, say yes. When you mean no, say no. Both can be done with kindness. Don?t say yes when you mean no. This is called staying in your integrity, and is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for others.
25. Don?t make assumptions into the motives of others. You just never know (hint – even if they tell you!!!) and this is a fast track into hell and strife.
26. Taking emotional hostages is not a loving thing to do.
27. Always watch your tendencies (and the motives behind them) to want to manipulate others, control others or situations or make yourself look a certain way. This is called being a dictator.
28. You are not obligated to be in a relationship with anyone you don?t want to be in. Let?s get clear and say you want the relationship more than the alternative to the relationship. Understand this is a choice. Speak your piece, take responsibility for your role in it and your life and change it if you can, and if you cannot, there are two other options: Accept it completely or leave.
29. Put your mind where your heart is.
30. If one changes their perspective on challenges that invariably arise in life from one where something happens to you that you are the passive victim of to one that realizes challenges are an opportunity for growth, personal development and a door to something incredible and different – you will in one single second instantly transform your life.
31. Complaining doesn?t change anything
32. Communicate clearly, decisively, kindly. As you cannot read anyone?s mind, thus your loved ones lack this attribute as well.
33. Often to find the way forward/the ?purpose?/the ?why?, all that is required is to pay more attention to the present moment and bring alertness there.
34. Take the arrow in the heart. It is the only place from which it can be extracted.
35. Whatever has happened in your life – has already happened. No denial, sadness, rage, pining, regret, guilt or shame will ever, ever change it. The most important question is: Now what? Do you move forward in misery or in peace? You choose how to be in this world.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there” – Rumi
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